Nagging wives drive hubbies into beer

BY WATIPASO MZUNGU JNR
Maupo Chisambi, 24, perched up on a tall stool in a local bar at New College Inn in Blantyre, grabbed a Chibuku Packet, pulled a long sip before recounting how he found himself enslaved to beer-drinking.

“Mine was a nagging wife that I could hardly sleep without taking a little beer,” Chisambi started although nobody asked him.

And he continued: “She’s too demanding! When our neighbours had meat, she, too, demanded that I buy meat. When I told her I didn’t have, she insulted and called me a pauper. I had no choice, but to dump her.”

Chisambi, then living at Bangwe, relocated to Chiwembe leaving behind his wife and two kids without a sure source of money. He could have been accused of violating his wife’s and children’s rights if he sent them away.

This is the more reason why Chisambi chose to relocate to another place than send the spouse to her parents.

“You know this Chewa proverb? Wakhungu akati ndikuswa ndiye waponda mwala (It’s only when the blind steps on a stone that he can threaten to throw at you),” he justified.

Chisambi’s interpretation of the situation was that the wife had found someone who offered more than what he could provide. Otherwise she couldn’t call him a pauper six years into their marriage.

Today, beer has become part of the disappointed husband’s life. He confessed that he cannot sleep without it because then he would be thinking about the family problems he had with his wife.

Chisambi could be just one in a pool of husbands whose marriages tumbled upside down because of the nagging behaviour of their wives.

Fr. Henry Saindi of the Catholic Church says his understanding of a nagging woman is “a woman who continually complains and always finds faults with her husband”.

“It is a woman who is shrewish or ill-natured,” Fr. Saindi adds.

But the priest clarifies saying this attitude cannot be attributed to wives only because there are men also who have same attitude. Like a nagging wives, some husbands, too, always seek to find a fault in whatever their wives do.

He cautions that nagging is an attitude which should not be condoned. It must be rejected by married couples.

“Nagging really can refuel marriage breakups. It’s a bad attitude towards the other be it husband or wife. Married people should always understand that they cannot find a perfect partner without any fault. Each person has his/her strengths and weaknesses. The capacity to understand and forgive the other person is the beginning of marriage happiness,” advises Fr. Saindi who is currently studying in Rome.

“Both have a role to play in order to shape the attitude of the other person. They must help each other to grow in good attitude,” he adds.

Fr. Saindi dismisses Chisambi’s thinking that excessive beer-drinking is a solution to family problems. Excessive beer drinking adds more problems and Maupo accepts this fact.

Why men bear responsibility for marriage breakups

Every person goes into marriage with the hopes of having a joyful and lasting relationship. Sadly though, many marriages have ended in divorce or incurable separations.

When such situations happen, men have, for years immemorial, earned themselves the reputation of being responsible for their marriage breakups. Women, on the other hand, are always regarded as victims and continue to enjoy sympathy from gender and human rights’ activists.

Cultural and traditional beliefs have also contributed to this line of thinking where husbands are looked at as a “beast” ready to do his spouse harm.

There are many factors that would usually lead to divorce or separation.

Money

In his contribution on askmen.com, a relationship correspondent Curt Smith says couples seem to always have endless discussions and conflicts over who should take charge of finances in the family. This coupled with miscommunication results in misunderstandings that usually end up breaking the family.

Incompatibilities

Failing to deal with and accept incompatibilities will naturally erode the marriage relationship. Couples must strive to change what they can and accept what they can’t.

Love and forgiveness, to this effect, is the key. There’s no denying that there are some people who enter into marriage unions without fully understanding what they entail. Many prospective brides and grooms are ignorant of the reality of marriage relationships.

Thus they don’t appreciate that no marriage will be free from problems and disagreements.

An American evangelical Christian author, psychologist, and founder of Focus on the Family, Dr. James Dobson Jnr, once wrote: “There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. Friction is the order of the day, however, for a giver and a take”.

Dobson Jnr observed that selfishness is, in most cases, the cause for the devastation of a marriage every time.

What to do with insubordinate, ruthlessn wives

In of his letters to the Corinthians, St. Paul said “God has established an order of authority, the principle of male headship, both in the church and the home” (1 Corinthians 11:3). This means that man is the head of the woman.

Some marriages have broken up because women refused to observe this status quo thus failing to submit themselves to husbands. Where a husband cannot compromise, the result is end of marriage.

But Fr. Saindi thinks marriage dissolution is not the best option. He advises married couples should cultivate a spirit of contact and dialogue amongst themselves as the first step before taking their problems to others.

“Not all problems can be solved by others. The couple holds the key to solving its problems. If this fails, then there are marriage counsellors who should act as pillars to building marriage relationships.

“The ladder continues up to the Church set up. At least the Catholic Church, I am not very sure about the other churches, arranges on special days to listen to pastoral problems including marriage problems,” says Fr. Saindi.

But will Maupo Chisambi go back to dialogue with his estranged wife?

“I’ll find another woman. Why should I worry much about her as if women for marriage have finished? You’ll be the same to call me stupid if I go back to her,” pondered Chisambi before picking up his Chibuku packet to take another sip.

END