Unearthing the plight of abandoned wives

BY WATIPASO MZUNGU JNR
It seems there is a great desire in men to prey on any woman who avails herself to them. This desire is the driving force behind men’s behaviour of cheating on their spouses.

There are many husbands who flirt around while their loved ones back home are dying to enjoy conjugal rights from them (hubbies).

Although no scientific research has been conducted to establish the percentage of men who cheat on their wives, the numerous stories of the plight of abandoned women and their kids are suffice to prove the case.

What is more saddening is that most of these cheats rarely take responsibility for the offspring they sire outside wedlock thus burdening the innocent and economically-handicapped victims (abandoned women).

The media have and continue to unearth stories of influential men who have sired children at every corner of town, but are quick to deny their responsibility.

Such men usually disappear to unknown destinations where they prowl on more unsuspecting girls ready to plant more seeds.

Chifundo Mayere, 32, of Nasingo in Blantyre first got married in 1995 to a man she regarded responsible, loving and honest.

The man (name deliberately withheld) came with sweeties promising her total love and care in times of sorrow and joy.

But it was never to be. His love for Mayere faltered as time went and later he abandoned her altogether.

But the man, then working as a police officer, left after fathering three children with her.

“I hear he’s staying in Balaka with his new wife,” Mayere said.

Their first-born is now 16 years old and is doing his Form Two at Namame CDSS.

Like in a Nigerian movie, Mayere entered part two of her married life in 2003. This time it was a man from Dedza (again name withheld deliberately).

He left in 2006 having fathered her one child: a girl.

“The first man has never rendered support of any sort since he left. The Dedza man used to assist in bits, but eventually stopped last year,” she said in an interview at her grass-thatched house where she is struggling to provide for two men’s offspring.

Now Mayere does not want to believe any suitor because “I’ve had enough of these cheats who usually come with sweet-talk; sounding angelic when they’re wolves in sheep’s skin”.

“Even my relatives have advised me not to bow down to the desire of other would-be suitors. We’re afraid that like the two men, the would-be husbands would do the same to me.

“Already I’m struggling to provide for the four kids; and I don’t want another man to add more responsibility on me,” said Mayere with finality.

She is but one in a pool of women who have fallen victim to sweet-talkers and irresponsible men.

Just a few metres away from Mayere’s house, five other women are equally failing to feed children they bore from different husbands.

Femail investigations revealed that most of the abandoned wives face challenges in providing for their children. Most of the interviewees said they are illiterate and unemployed.

They live in dilapidated houses where they struggle to pay rent. Most of them subsist on selling fried nuts or plywood they buy from Limbe Raiply.

They don’t gain enough from their businesses, but have no choice. Education for their children has become a luxury to them.

They do not have the financial muscle to send their children beyond the free primary school. Even in primary school, very few children of abandoned wives finish their education because of lack of uniform and other needs.

Abandoned wives say they are all powerless to bring the deserters to book and thus they wonder how they can make these “cheats and heartless” men accountable for their actions?

Centre for Human Rights, Education, Advice and Assistance (CHREAA) executive director Victor Mhango advises that the first step to holding men responsible is by formalizing relationships before engaging in sex.

Mhango thinks most men find loopholes in the way their marriages came into being before deserting their wives.

“Women become more vulnerable if their marriages are not formal because even if they’re dumped, it becomes difficult for them to seek court redress,” he explains.

Malawi laws recognize marriages by cohabitation, but Mhango thinks women would do themselves a service if they formalize their relationships.

“They should always demand to have their relationships formalized so that they should be able to take their deserting husbands to court for maintenance and affiliation redress,” the Chreaa boss stresses.

National Initiative for Civic Education (Nice) Southern Regional Civic Education Officer Christopher Naphiyo notes that perhaps it is lack of economic independence that drives women into jumping for every man that offers to marry them.

Naphiyo says this problem is quite rampant mainly because of lower literacy levels among women in Malawi.

“Perhaps, women lose sense of independence because of their economic situation. Women need to find ways of gaining economic independence and avoid aggravating the damage by jumping onto a new suitor before properly studying him,” he advises.

The civic educator further explains that women who have fallen victim to cheating men should find a forum where they can share their problems with others such as churches.

Naphiyo, however, notes the stigma and discrimination women with failed marriages bear in some churches, a development which deters most of such victims to open up.

It’s unfortunate that women with failed marriages become talk of town including churches. That’s why most the abandoned women don’t open up.

“And when another man offers to marry them they easily give in just to do away with the public shame,” he says.

Sometimes women may have contributed to the breakage of families, but both Mhango and Naphiyo advise men to be human enough and remember to provide assistance to their kids who they fathered elsewhere.

“Men should learn to be responsible without being pushed,” they say.

Mayere, on the other hand, has an idea she thinks would help curb men’s irresponsibility in families. She proposes that government, through Ministry of Gender, Child Welfare and Community Development, should intervene by introducing laws that would punish irresponsible men.

This, Mayere thinks, would help to ensure that children enjoy maximum support from their fathers even if parents divorce.

END